


Trying My Best

by heartofcathedrals



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Tree, Irondad, Irondad Fic Exchange 2020, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofcathedrals/pseuds/heartofcathedrals
Summary: Everyone seems so happy, so relaxed. Like it comes so easily to them. Peter’s trying but it’s so much work and he’s just not feeling it.So, he takes a break, goes to do the dishes to keep his hands busy and slow his racing mind. While drying and putting away a slew of coffee cups, he finds a picture of him and Tony with an upside-down Stark Internship sigh wedged between the extras. He fishes it out and holds it in his hands, wonders why it was in such a random spot.It doesn’t make any sense.Unless…Unless Tony missed him. Felt guilty for what happened even though it wasn’t his fault. He thinks back to what May told him the other night, how Tony promised to bring Peter back from the Snap, even though it wasn’t his promise to make, even though it didn’t seem possible.On his way upstairs, he stops, takes in the scene of his family talking softly in the glow of the tree lights and movie.It makes him wish he’d been able to miss them while he was gone, thinks that if the gap between what he experienced and what they did wasn’t so big, the space between them wouldn’t feel so massive.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 120
Collections: Irondad Fic Exchange 2020





	Trying My Best

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bean_reads_fanfic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bean_reads_fanfic/gifts).



> Hi everyone! This fic is for bean_reads_fanfic as part of the IronDad Fic Exchange 2020!
> 
> I went with prompt 2: "Peter feeling forgotten after the Snap (Tony lives of course)- push that emotional whump as far as it'll go. Maybe May got married while he was gone or something. Maybe Tony is oblivious to Peter's pain at first. Make him suffer. But then heal all his wounds with as much comfort as needed to make up for the pain."
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Also, the only one in this fic who snapped was Peter.)

Trying My Best

Based on “Trying My Best” by Anson Seabra

X

Peter’s home, but it doesn’t feel like home.

Because technically, it’s not home.

No more apartment in Forest Hills, no more bed and desk he’s had since childhood.

Everything from before the Snap is just… _gone_.

The Tower is different than he remembers. Quiet, even with the Avengers and Morgan around.

Morgan was a lot to get used to; she’s like a mini Pepper/Tony running around, full of energy and always asking him a million questions.

He loves her like a little sister, but that hasn’t made this any easier for him to get a handle on. Too many changes. Too much to catch-up on.

It was five years for everyone else, but just five seconds for Peter.

He wills it all to make sense, to hold some kind of meaning. Doing that only seems to make his anxiety worse, though. His SHIELD therapist says it’s called hypervigilance, the way his Spidey senses go haywire when it’s too loud or how he jumps when people throw him off guard. That this is part of his post-Snap PTSD.

That’s what the experts are calling it.

But Peter knows some of this started long before the Snap, long before Spiderman and everything that came with the Avengers.

He trudges to the subway, head down, gripping his backpack straps tightly. He’s always on alert, now, feels a nonstop sense of impending danger no matter how many times he tells himself there’s nothing behind him, nothing waiting, nothing to worry about.

Usually, he’d take the subway and meet Ned on the way to Midtown, but Ned…

Ned’s in college hundreds of miles away upstate at Cornell. Without Peter. Not that he wanted to go to Cornell, but…

They were supposed to do everything together, just like they always did.

Graduation. College. _Life._

 __Ned’s coming home for Christmas in two days. MJ, too. He hasn’t seen them since right before they left in August, and he’s suddenly not so sure he’s ready to see them again.

He feels like shell of the old Peter. Like a ghost.

Sometimes, Tony and May get startled when he enters a room, like they have to remind themselves that he still exists, that he’s _here_ now _._ Happy does it, too. May married him while Peter was snapped. He’s not angry about it, not really, but it feels weird. Happy tries a little too hard, makes Peter feel like he has to socialize after school and on Saturday mornings when he just wants to be in his room, alone.

Everyone is trying. A little too forcefully, actually, but Peter openly acknowledges that they _are_ trying. He has to give them that, at least. They’re trying to make things feel more normal than they ever could be again.

Peter is trying his best, too, but he still feels like he’s failing at literally everything these days.

The last four months have been _hard_.

The meds he’s on for anxiety and depression don’t help as much as he wishes they did. 

“There a lot of people in your shoes, baby,” May reminds him.

It just makes him feel worse.

He’d forged May’s signature on his physics test in his rush to leave the house this morning, the one he’d gotten a 35 on.

He’s always been smart, never needed to study, not really, but ever since the Snap, it’s like his brain gets fuzzy when he’s trying his hardest, makes his ADHD a thousand times worse than it ever was. He struggles to stay awake during the day, can’t seem to fall sleep at night. During lunch, he slips away to the chemistry closet, pulls the hood of his sweatshirt over his eyes, and gets just enough sleep to get through the rest of the school day.

He’s found himself wishing he hadn’t returned, had just stayed snapped forever. That, he thinks, would be so much easier than whatever the hell _this_ is.

The _knowing_ that he was left behind while everyone…moved on? Without him?

The pain of that still hasn’t gone away.

It lingers like smoke after a candle’s been blown out.

X

“Kid?” Tony calls out across the lab.

Peter stares blankly at the TV, his mind lightyears away. He doesn’t hear Tony, doesn’t even sense him in the room.

“Underoos,” Tony says softly, walking over and placing a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

The sudden touch makes Peter jump, throw his hands up in defense, which makes Tony take a step back to give some space. 

Peter slowly lowers his hands and shakes his head. “I’ve told you before…not to do that…” he trails, eyes closed as he works at catching his breath.

“Sorry, I just…dinner’s ready and I called your name a few times…”

“M’not hungry,” Peter whispers, eyes focused on the floor.

“You can’t keep skipping meals, kiddo. You’re thin as it is.”

“I’ll eat later.”

“We both know that’s not gonna happen. Come on, Pete. Talk to me. Please.”

“I’m fine, Tony. Just tired is all.”

“You’re a really shitty liar, you know that?” Tony says with a sigh.

There’s a beat of silence between them, Peter’s eyes still focused on the floor.

“Would’ve had you pegged as a NASA channel kind of guy.”

Peter looks up. “Huh?”

“Morgan must have left Nick Jr. on when she came down earlier. You’ve been watching it for the last hour. You sure you’re okay?” He goes to put a hand up to Peter’s forehead to check for a fever, but stops himself when he remembers the way Peter reacted to his touch just a moment ago.

“Yes.” It’s barely a whisper.

Tony bites his lip, runs his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been where you are, kid. And I can promise that it will get better.”

Peter wants to tell him that that’s impossible, that Tony has never been Snapped, doesn’t understand how painful existing is for him on a daily basis, but he keeps his eyes focused on the screen and lets his brain wander away from the anger and anxiety building up.

“I’ll tell Pepper leave a plate in the fridge, just in case.”

Peter knows he won’t eat it, but he finds himself nodding anyway.

X

They go to the cabin for Christmas break.

Peter initially thinks maybe it’s because they’re trying to cheer him up, but over a forced Sunday family dinner with the Starks and May and Happy the weekend before break, he learns that they do this every year.

There a lot of these moments, the ones where Peter realizes new traditions have been created in his absence.

“May? Why did the Starks buy a cabin upstate? A-after the Snap?” he’d asked upon returning to their apartment on the eighteenth floor of the Tower after dinner.

“I’d imagine they wanted to get away from it all,” May had said, exasperated in the way she usually got whenever Peter asked about the Snap. “Don’t really blame them.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there was confusion, afterward. Tony was quite ill when he returned from space. And then he found out Pepper was pregnant. A lot of people wanted to start over.” May realized what she’d said a second too late. “Oh, Pete…”

He’d shrugged. “It’s…fine, May. I…I get it.”

“My marrying Happy wasn’t me starting over without you, baby. There’s nothing that could ever replace you in my life.”

As she’d approached him, Peter had walked away.

She’d shown up at his door a few minutes later, had peeked her head in and asked if she could enter. Peter hadn’t answered, but she’d come in anyway, had sat on the edge of his bed while he curled himself tighter into a ball.

“I know I can’t change what happened, Peter, but I want you to know that I love you very much. That everyone loves you so very much. That love…it’s why we have you here with us right now. Tony came to me before he traveled back in time. He promised to bring you home and I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t think it was possible. None of us thought it was possible. But here you are. You’re my miracle. Always have been, always will be.”

She’d leaned over, kissed him on the hair, and let him be for the evening. 

Later that night, he’d packed a duffel, turned his phone off (not that anyone really calls or texts these days), and planned on spending the week upstate engrossed in his Nintendo Switch so that he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

X

The first night upstate, Tony insists that they cut down a tree from a local farm. At first Peter protests, hides away in his guest room, but Morgan barrels through the door and climbs onto the bed, bouncing on her knees. 

“Daddy says we’re gonna get a real tree, Petey! A real one! We’ve never done that before!”

He doesn’t like letting Morgan down, so he helps her get her coat on before his own.

In the car, they listen to Christmas music while Morgan squeals with glee at the decorated houses lining the winding roads.

At the tree farm, Tony and Pepper fight about whether or not the tree Tony insists on will fit in the house. 

“Forget the house, Tony, it’s not gonna fit on the roof of the car!” Happy argues.

“It’ll fit!” Tony asserts.

The outing is more than enough socializing for Peter, but he’s forced to stay downstairs upon returning home by May. He groans and throws his head back.

“Morgan is looking forward to hanging ornaments. Just stay for a little while. Please? Then you can go upstairs and ignore all of us.”

He rolls his eyes. “It’s not ignoring you guys, May.”

“Then what is it?”

Before he can answer, Pepper cuts in with “I told you the tree was too big for the house, Tony! The top is bent and scratching the ceiling!”

“It’s not scratching the ceiling, stop being dramatic!” Tony counters.

Morgan, unbothered by the arguing, jumps around the room in excitement as May unpacks boxes of ornaments to hang. 

The fighting stops just as suddenly as it starts. While they decorate, they watch _The Grinch_ and drink hot chocolate with candy canes while the adults share a bottle of wine.

Everyone seems so happy, so relaxed. Like it comes so easily to them. Peter’s trying but it’s so much work and he’s just not feeling it.

So, he takes a break, goes to do the dishes to keep his hands busy and slow his racing mind. While drying and putting away a slew of coffee cups, he finds a picture of him and Tony with an upside-down Stark Internship sigh wedged between the extras. He fishes it out and holds it in his hands, wonders why it was in such a random spot.

It doesn’t make any sense.

Unless…

Unless Tony missed him. Felt guilty for what happened even though it wasn’t his fault. He thinks back to what May told him the other night, how Tony promised to bring Peter back from the Snap, even though it wasn’t his promise to make, even though it didn’t seem possible.

On his way upstairs, he stops, takes in the scene of his family talking softly in the glow of the tree lights and movie.

It makes him wish he’d been able to miss them while he was gone, thinks that if the gap between what he experienced and what they did wasn’t so big, the space between them wouldn’t feel so massive.

X

A commotion in the hallway wakes Peter up the next morning. He peeks at his phone, expecting it to be around seven, but it’s only four.

“Did they pack it?” Happy’s asking, voice panicked.

 _Pack what?_ Peter wonders. _A gift?_

And then he hears it. The most awful coughing he’s sure he’s ever heard coming from Morgan, followed by deep wheezes and sobs.

 _How did I sleep through that? Had I been that tired?_  
  
“Poor baby,” May comments. “Peter had asthma when he was little. It got better as he got older, thank goodness.”

A moment later, there’s a buzzing noise, which Peter assumes is the nebulizer. He hated that thing as a kid. He pushes the covers back and joins Happy and May in the hallway.

“Hey, is Morgan okay?”

Happy motions toward Morgan’s room. “She gets these attacks sometimes. Hasn’t had one in months. Usually gets better after the nebulizer, though. I’m warming the car up just in case we have to head to the hospital.”

Even with the nebulizer, the coughing continues. He can hear Tony and Pepper telling her to slow her breathing, to try and calm down. Morgan sounds panicked, though, as she tries to get words out, like she really can’t breathe.

Peter does not miss those days at all.

A few minutes later, Tony emerges from the room and closes the door behind him.

“Hey Boss, how’s the Little Miss doing?” Happy asks.

Tony runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath. “I think we’ve avoided another hospital stay, but we’ll see how she does in a few hours when the meds start to wear off. Thanks for starting the car, Hap.” He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. “Wish I could stop it. She gets so scared, you know? They just come out of nowhere sometimes.”

“I’ll go make us some coffee,” May offers, giving Tony’s shoulder a quick squeeze. 

Tony nods, gives a small _thanks_. It’s then that Peter notices how drained Tony looks, how empty and hollow his facial expressions are. He’s not expecting it and it throws him off for a moment.

Something stirs within him, a little fire igniting.

He has to do something to make this better in any way that he can.

X

It’s nearly noon on Christmas Eve, but things aren’t going exactly as planned. Morgan is on the couch, wheezy and drained. Pepper has her doing breathing treatments every four hours like clockwork, but it seems to be consistently wearing off an hour or so before her next one is due.

“Bruce just called in an oral steroid. Happy’s gonna go grab it at the pharmacy,” Tony explains.

“Mommy,” Morgan whines, her coughs sputtering. “Don’t feel good.”

“I know, baby,” Pepper soothes, pushing her hair out of her face. “Uncle Happy is picking up some medicine at the store. He’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Has she eaten anything new recently?” May asks, trying to figure out what could be causing the wheezing. “She still doesn’t have a fever, right?”

“Her temperature is currently 98.4,” FRIDAY chirps.

May sighs. “Doesn’t make sense.”

Morgan’s coughs deepen, the gasps between raspy and painful.

“It’s the tree,” Peter whispers in realization. “It’s the tree!”

“The tree?” Tony asks, confused for a moment before his eyes go wide.

Peter scoops a coughing Morgan off of the couch and whisks her upstairs, Pepper following them.

X

“You know, I got attacks just like you when I was little,” Peter explains as Pepper preps Morgan’s nebulizer in her bedroom. Pepper looks up for a moment, surprised, her eyes catching Peter’s.

Morgan lets out a wheezy “Really?” as Peter lies her down.

“Yup.” He nods, sitting on the edge of her bed. 

Pepper straps the mask over Morgan’s nose a mouth despite her pouts and starts the machine.

“Your nebulizer is a lot cooler than mine, though,” he says with a small laugh. “Mine was a plain white box full of Batman stickers.”

“I want…stickers, too.” Morgan’s voice is muffled behind the mask, which Peter can now see has a design to make it look like a dragon.

“Well, I don’t have any with me, but when we get back to the city we can go shopping for some. Would you like that?”

Morgan nods. She looks so tired, propped up against the pillows. It’s a stark difference from the night before where she was jumping around the living room, excited about decorating the Christmas tree.

“Do you mind watching her while I go check on the situation downstairs?” Pepper asks Peter.

“Yeah, no problem.” When Pepper leaves, Peter adds, “May used to play tic-tac-toe with me while I did my treatments. Do you know how to play?”

Morgan nods, Peter pulling his phone from his pocket so that he can download a free app for them to play on.

X

“FRIDAY’s doing a final scan of downstairs to determine the air quality. The tree’s by the curb. Hopefully someone who needs it can grab it. Pepper’s putting up the artificial one. I didn’t even think…” Tony trails, sighing. He looks so guilty, so ashamed.

“She’s okay, Tony,” Peter whispers, because Morgan is sleeping now just across from them, taking easy but somewhat wheezy breaths.

“I did this. I should’ve known better. She’s so sensitive to perfume and candles…it completely slipped my mind. I wanted this year to be special because it was your first Christmas with us.”

Peter’s about to say something, but Tony’s words stop him, hit him hard. _First Christmas with us._

“I wanted it to be special and now Morgan’s sick. This is all my fault. I never…I never think…”

Pepper appears, puts her hands on Tony’s shoulders and massages them. “Why don’t you and Peter take a walk before dinner, get some fresh air? I’ll put on some coffee.”

“I’ll grab our coats,” Peter offers, slipping between them to head downstairs.

It’s dark outside, and brisk, but it feels good after being cooped up in the cabin all day.

Peter starts with “I didn’t even know Morgan had asthma.”

Tony kicks at the snow. “Since she was a baby. She was born prematurely and spent two months in the NICU. Thought we had her asthma under control, since she did so well the last few months. We used to be in MedBay every few weeks with her attacks until Bruce got us into a clinical trial for a new medication. I…I should’ve been thinking about how sensitive she is. I let my guard down. I was so focused on that damn tree…”

“Sometimes attacks just happen, Tony. I went through it when I was little. The cold used to set me off. It was probably the tree, sure, but it could’ve been the cold or the dust in the cabin, too. You never really know,” Peter drones on, trying to help but feeling like he’s doing the opposite.

“I’m supposed to protect her like I was supposed to protect…”

Peter stops, which forces Tony to stop.

“Wait, do you…do you blame yourself for what happened with the Snap?” Peter asks. 

Tony, facing away from Peter, looks up at the sky.

“I couldn’t stop it. One second you were there, the next you were just…gone…”

Peter’s eyebrows furrow. “B-but you brought me back. You’re the reason I’m here, Tony.”

“Doesn’t count,” he says, shaking his head.

“What?!” Peter asks, shocked, running over to face him. “That counts for everything, Tony!”

“It was my fault it happened in the first place, and so it was my responsibility to try and get you back. I lived with that every day, Underoos. _Every single day._ I know it’s been hard for you. I do. But those five years without you here while I watched Morgan grow up… Those were the hardest because I knew I had let you down.” He shakes his head, shoves his hands in his pockets. “I never thought of myself as dad material until I invited you to my lab as part of that fake internship program. You weaseled your way into my stone-cold heart and now look at me: I’m crying over a damn Christmas tree and _both_ of my children…”

Peter scoffs. “You don’t have a stone-cold heart, Tony. And I’m-”

“Not my child? Come on, Underoos.” Tony sniffles and gives a small smile before ruffling Peter’s hair. “You’ll always be my kid.”

Peter has the sudden urge to cry, isn’t sure how to react.

Tony’s words mean _everything_ after feeling like nothing for so long.

He throws his arms around Tony and squeezes tight, does his best to hide the tears streaming down his face. Tony’s arms wrap around Peter, his right arm looser than his left.

They stay like that in the light from the cabin, the snow falling around them.

“I’m glad you’re home, Pete.”

“Me too,” he answers. And he means it.


End file.
